Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person (2023)

Sasha, an emo 68-year-old teenage vampire, refuses to hunt for her own human blood for vaguely humanitarian reasons, forcing her annoyed and concerned parents to supply her with delicious, life-saving blood in the form of little Capri-Sun packets. Her parents point out that the humans are dying anyway, but it's not an issue of logic. At their wits' end, they send her to live with her vicious vampire cousin, who won't coddle her like her parents do.

Sasha has fang dysfunction, unable to get them to pop out in the presence of hunted humans. Even when she wishes to feed, she can't. So she mopes around, listens to jazz, and sneaks Capri-Suns that her dad secretly sends her in care packages. In the background, her cousin butchers hordes of party boys in their garage of torture.

When Sasha sees a depressed teenage boy considering suicide, she goes for her first real hunt. What's the harm in killing what already wants to die? But when the teenager bumps his noggin, she rushes to his aid instead. He begs her to kill him, she reluctantly agrees, but does everything she can to avoid it. Not that she would be able to, anyway, since her fangs still aren't popping out.

They run around town having vaguely vampire-themed stereotypical teenager shenanigans, having big eyes, and doing everything they can to avoid making eye contact with each other. The film peaks – at quite a high – on a drawn out, stiff and distressing joint lip sync and swirly hand dance to a little jazz number.

When the boy gets into mortal danger, her fangs finally pop out to save him. She kills him in the confusion, then unkills him with vampire magic. Now there are two depressed, mopey teenagers in need of blood they don't want to acquire, which they solve with a Craigslist ad.

It's filmed in that very French way of placing a bunch of people symmetrically in frame, looking at it, and making exaggerated facial expressions. It's Canadian, so it must be a feature of the language rather than the location. Top-tier teenage drama, unique take on the vampire stereotypes, funny, well-acted, well-shot. Good job, Canada.