The Loved Ones (2009)


director: Sean Byrne
release-year: 2009
genres: horror, teen
countries: Australia
languages: English

Australian teenage horror drama, punctuated by loud, good rock'n'roll music. It's 2009, but Brent, the lead teen, is so grunge it might as well be 1993. Brent kills his dad in a car accident, avoiding a road zombie, and becomes an angsty teen who listens to loud screamo music and cuts himself.

his mom doesn't help things

Brent is kidnapped by a mysterious man, who also stabs his dog. Turns out it's just the crazy dad of the crazy girl who he had politely turned down when she asked him to prom. Crazy girl listens to teeny-bopper pop and scrapbooks with cut out photos of Brent. Everything she owns is pink. They dress him in a tux, tie him to a chair, and host a crazy-people prom at home. Her lobotomized mother joins for the group photo.

welcome to the party

In a parallel side story, Brent's nerdy best friend nervously asks out the angry goth girl, who accepts despite hating him. They rock out to some Mammoth Mammoth in his car instead of actually going to the dance, then have sex. It keeps coming back to their story, which never develops into anything relevant whatsoever.

this subplot was just so we can listen to some good music?

The crazy girl has been lobotomizing people left and right. Brent realizes that the road zombie that killed his dad was one of her lobotomy victims. The rest of their lobotomy zombies are living in the massive cellar, begging for roadkill.

the town seems pretty small to have so many unsolved murders

They torture Brent wildly. It drags on, and turns incestuous. They lobotomize people by drilling a hole and then pouring in hot water from the electric kettle; Brent gets a brain hole, but he breaks free during the kettle bit and stabby stabby stabby.

gruesome torture actually can be boring

A bad driver all around, almost-zombie Brent accidentally runs over crazy girl. Then he backs over her slowly, to ensure the job is done. The basement zombies are left unresolved.

hail to the queen, baby