Laserblast (1978)

A couple of non-humanoid claymation space aliens meep-meep like Beaker at each other, then laserblast a grey-skinned humanoid in the Nevada desert to kick things off. It's not as exciting as it sounds.

For some reason, nobody speaks for an uncomfortably long time. They stare at each other awkwardly instead. Given their acting prowess, it's not necessarily better when they start speaking. The sound mix is bad, too, such that we struggle to hear what people far away from the camera are saying.

Scene three is a slapstick buddy cop stoner comedy routine with ragtime piano, with partially missed focus and poor editing. It's like they didn't actually write an intro to the film, but realized they need to burn through 20 minutes of something before our hero Billy finds the NES power glove laserblaster in the desert. Billy hops around saying "pow, pow, pow" for a while, because they didn't really write this scene either, then he laserblasts some bushes for a while to demonstrate to us that the laserblaster can blast lasers.

I couldn't tell you what happened next, because Pacing is just a river in France. Mandark from Dexter's Lab challenges Billy to a street race, but then they don't. That's the sort of excitement Laserblast has to offer. The claymation aliens meep-meep around in their spaceship. Paint dries, grass grows, water gets hotter. Billy, who, mind you, has recently discovered a laserblaster and a magical power jewel, goes to a pool party and does some sunbathing.

Eventually, one million years later, Billy puts on the power jewel and his face turns grey and he laserblasts Mandark's car. This is potentially too much action for Laserblast viewers, so they have to take a break for… oh, ten, twenty, thirty minutes.

Billy keeps turning grey and laserblasting cars, so the meep-meep aliens are forced to return from outer space to make him knock it off. They take their sweet time getting back to Earth, though, so we have to watch twenty minutes of Mandark driving around and Billy dancing topless in the desert, shooting at airplanes. Finally, a claymation alien uneventfully laserblasts Billy the laserblaster, and the film abruptly ends.